three dates.

He had three first names and a blazer, and ate pasta at coffee. His eyes were bright but not colored, brown but not dull, and his humor was sharp and immediate. I liked him. Date two we had conversation over mushroom cheese risotto and I started letting my insecurities show. But the chemistry was undeniably kinetic and I have never been shy with words, so I said so; used words like: Excited. Impressed. Potential; touched knees, held hands, and kissed. We talked of needs and dreams and archetypes; and again I mentioned faith . . . and he mentioned how he knew my pastor, was close friends with the founder of my church, and had a deep and profound connection to God. And I breathed deeply. . . I smiled fully . . . and began to tingle inside. The dessert was hot chocolate soufflé: Intimate, delicate, and sensual; fingers and tongue touching and licking the curves and bends of chocolate silk. It was delicious. Date three we talked of sex (after sharing a glass of Milk); we spoke of exes and role play, of dildoes and status, of condoms and hickeys, and how long we are willing to wait. We discussed self respect and integrity; and the integration of sex and love. He told me clearly that he likes me and that he looks forward to what’s in store. We haven’t had date four yet, and who know if we ever will. The dating world is unpredictable, and signs are often misread. But there is a message from him on my service, as there has been one almost every day since we met. He has three first names and a blazer, with brown hair that always looks blond. He’s confident in a way that’s almost cocky, with the introspective monologue of an only child. He likes me and I like him, but who knows where we will go from there.

My God!

My God is an Awesome God; and He Loves Me more than I'm Worth.

The Number 31

I have animosity towards The Number 31. I don’t think we get along. Every time he sits across from me with his Prada glasses, and anti-theology of casual partnership, I find him unattractive. I mean he’s cute and all, but I just don’t think we match. He calls biting and degrading humor funny, and freely sprinkles “friendly” conversation with Bitch, Fuck, and Cunt; hitting me with the blunt force trauma of his experience. . .or lack there of. I'm reminded of The Number 17. I could tell stories that would boggle his mind and quickly make his jaw drop, but I don’t want to shatter his fragile existence so I keep my mouth shut. Though The Number 31 and I are the same, we have very little in common. I'm more comfortable with Numbers 42 or 46 but then again I can’t really afford to skip ahead ten years . . . so I find myself in a perilous predicament of trying to balance an equation that starts from a false premise of equality. So either I stop judging The Number 31 so harshly, or be prepared to continuously fall short of achieving The Number 41.

Something...

Something clicked today.
There was a shift in focus
and now everything is different.

Gay and Christian: A Very Good Question...

This is a public posting of a private letter sent to a Dear friend in response to a very good question:

"What is your opinion about being Gay and Christian; and how do you respond when some are convinced that the bible is clear about homosexuality being a very serious sin?"

This is a very difficult discussion because there is no definitive argument in any direction. People can throw scriptures at each other all day. However, how receptive they are to a "new interpretation" arguing the validity of Gay Christians just depends on what they believe about the bible.

I believe that the bible is progressive (or in biblical terms "Living"); it continues to evolve and change through the ages based on what is needed by those who read it (so I being gay, black, diseased, poor, and raised an only child, means I resonate very differently with it than someone who is not those things, but other things). I believe that is the beauty of the bible.

I believe that the New Testament is More important that the Old (which is why Christians are called Christian). Jesus very clearly says that the OLD laws are fulfilled through him, and no longer necessary for us. The only two "new" laws are: love God, and Love others as yourself (So that gets rid of most, if not all of the anti- "homosexual" references in Leviticus and all other Old Testament scriptures). And if you Love Others as you love yourself, this conversation would be over (because we would be all trying to help each OTHER win the same rights WE have, and always trying to include, rather than exclude). And since Jesus Himself never spoke about homosexuality at all, but spoke heavily about judgment, and lying, and gossip, and hypocrisy, and pride, and money, and old outdated traditions, and throwing stones. . . I would imagine that "if" it is a sin, it could not be more of a sin than any of those things that he spent far more energy on; and that we are ALL guilty of.

So since we may never agree on who's interpretation is "right", or if it's a "sin" or not, this is what I rely on personally. Jesus came to save us from our sin, and since we are all sinners, we can all be saved. I am a sinner. Jesus came to save me. I believe, so I am saved. No one is perfect, and God does not require us to be.

Jesus WELCOMED everyone . . . Even at a time when it was unacceptable to do so, when it was against the laws of the Old Testament. (Which are God's Laws…) He welcomed women, Slaves, prostitutes (both male and female), he grew to welcome even non believers (non Jews and pagans), he welcomed the outcast and the discarded (everyone except the rich), and I think that through time as more groups became known, he would have welcomed them (us) too.

It comes down to this: John 3:16 "God so Loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that WHOSOEVER believes in him shall not perish but have ever lasting life". Either you believe THAT or you don't... Either you believe that GOD can LOVE that much or you don't.

Psychologically I just think its hard for people to accept the graciousness of God, and they think that we have to somehow "Earn" our way into salvation by being "good" (God says there is no one Good but him... and that there is not one that is worthy) so we try to measure ourselves against each other, in hopes that if we can somehow be better than those horrible people, then we will be saved ... when in truth, those "horrible people" are saved too (because they are saying the same thing about you).

Max 10 Performance: Construction of MInd

Construction of Mind

Center Stage: Ego
As God

I am the substance of Ego.
I am the construction of Mind.
I am Presence made manifest into Flesh.
I am the culmination of Creation.
I am a Fragment of God.
And I think you are beautiful.

Upstage Left: “It’s Not True”
Start with Mumbles and Darkness and Madness and Screams…
NO!!!!! I'm Broken, and Lost, and Ugly, and Flawed. And this is Hard

Center Stage: The Now
Play with Presence, Breath, and the Performance.

This is it. This is the moment. This is the culmination of tears and prayers and hopes and failures and joys. This is a fragment of something infinitely eternal contained and protected by this fragile thing we call a soul. This is mine. This is my place. These are my gifts. This is the manifestation of years of chaos and shit (reference upstage left) distilled into something I am able to control. This is my story. This is my dirge. This is my drug addicted love song. This is the delicate dance of the devil and deity made irrefutably real by the sacrifice of blood and laughter. This is my blood. This is my laughter. This is God

Transitions: Connected
Upstage Left Very authentic and personable.

“I am Flawed” She said (She, being me; me, being the imaginary version of you). Did you get that? Did you get how quickly I get convoluted? How fast it can get Lost? How easily I presume to know what you are thinking, and how instantaneously I begin to think that you and I are the same. Someone once told me that everyone was connected. That at the core of our fundamental design we were all one; And that in order to love you. I would have to first love me, and in loving me, I would be loving God, because we are made in the image of God . . . and then he said something even more remarkable. He told me I was Beautiful. . .Evoke the emotions of being made love to: Sensual, intimate, and good, until you are arms open and accepting (almost like a cross)

Sing “Amazing Grace”
Walk Upstage Left and remove pants as you awaken into your sexuality.

Upstage Right: Grandma
Play with sexuality, innocence, humor, reverence, and caricature.

The one thing you probably don’t know about my grandmother, is that she was a black woman. Well may be you would know that. . . Let me put this way. She was an old black woman from Mississippi that sang Negro spirituals and ate watermelon in her rocking chair. Better? Yes. That was my grandmother. She was ball headed and wise; and when she wasn’t wearing her Sundays finest at church she walked around the house in just a shirt that went down to her knees, and told stories about the olden days. She was beautiful in way that has absolutely nothing to do with the physical. She was the mother Mary in the flesh. And when she would sing it was like God himself stepped in the room. And she loved my laugh. She would tell me “baby your laugh makes me eager to enter heaven, because I know when I get there, that’s how the Angels are gonna sounds.” And when I would dress like her in a shirt that went to my knees she would say. “Boy you sure got some Pretty legs! I could just eat them up!” And Of course I would laugh. I loved her. . . And she loved me… But you do know what I my most vivid memory of her is? It’s the Day she told me I had the devil in me. Take off Shirt fold in ritual of remembrance and place reverently with the pants while humming “amazing grace”.

Upstage Left: Life
Acknowledging that you stand in the Brokenness of the Past

We remember the wrong things and forget the most important part. We focus on the broken pieces of the past and ignore the powerful progression of the whole and in doing so we missed the point of the story. Life is Drama and comedy and Tragedy and Romance and Joy; Angels and Demons; Good, Bad, Heaven and Hell. It is The “I Love You’s” and The “Fuck You’s”. Life is a spectrum of the complexity of God, designed to make you see past the minutia of the moment (reference the energy of upstage left) and point you to the deeper truth. (Reference yourself)
Remove underwear as the final peeling of self Judgment and shame.

Center Stage: Beautiful
Recognize your beauty as Corey

I am the substance of Ego.
I am the construction of Mind.
I am Presence made manifest into Flesh.
I am the culmination of Creation.
I am a Fragment of God.
And I am beautiful.