I am inconsistent. My emotions are an alcoholic liar: fun and buoyant; full of life and love, and then quickly turning mean; saying things you never thought I’d say. . . But I speak often and I rarely hold my tongue, so listen closely because adjectives move quickly, and the nuances are often hard to hear, if what I’m saying is hard to hear. Favorite word number 26: Mercurial. This is important. It could change your life. If I say it, I mean it; but that may not be what I mean. If I feel it, I feel it always; though other things have veto power. - I love you I take it back No really I love you But I don’t think we should be friends any more I don’t think you see me I don’t think you trust me You are unable to assuage my fears I need to feel secure You make me feel taken care of I don’t think you are very attractive but I think you are beautiful We should always keep in touch Please stop calling me I need a physical representation of our emotional connection otherwise you are a waste of my time I expect a lot from you because you are more than I could have ever wanted Your smile is delicious Your touch makes me weak Your mind makes me think of God and I hate it when you do that This is rare and special I’ve had this before I can offer you the dream I’ll make you happy for years I will never leave you “You are obnoxious, full of yourself, too insecure for words, dumber than a box of hair, cheap, and now you can’t even get it up? I have no need for you any more!” – As I always say, if you don’t have something profound to say, don’t say it. If you can’t articulate at any given moment every aspect of your identity, then you don’t yet truly exist; because knowing is half the battle. And if you don’t know, then you’re not even half-way there; and who has time to talk to children anyway? Most of them are stupid. . . Even as a child I was brilliant, and far more aware of the complexity of conflicting personality traits than I should have been. I had very little patience for simplicity. I quickly understood that most people weren’t who they pretended to be and few people could acknowledge the truth of who they were. So for me, the good guys were always liars, hypocrites, or people too dumb (or too scared) to look below the surface; but the villains…. Villains have always been my favorite. Not the ugly obvious demons that are grotesque distortions of evil, but the brilliant beautiful perversions of duality that make you hate them AND love them (depending on what face they choose to show). I have always seen myself in them, and wanted to be more like them; because they where not afraid to reveal the truth: That there is no one “no not one” that is good. The List: Fleur Delacour, Draco Malfoy, Kate from John and Kate Plus 8, Number 6, Jean Claude, Eros, Heathcliff and Catherine, Iago, White Queen, Dark Phoenix, Lestat, Sylar, and Judas. These are who I call my favorites. At six I wanted to be a Vampire, and I have always loved the word Bitch. I'm not sure if this is a warning, a confession, or my way of seeking informed consent; but I am not compassionate. Kindness is not my natural state. It takes huge forces of will, mental contemplation, and spiritual gestation to keep me on a path that leads me to consider your best interest; and that choice can change at any minute. The calculations of my stream of consciousness to the thirty-second digit of Pi does not change, but how I will continue to see you is like the certainty of a roulette table. So choose your words wisely, spoil me often, and if you see me in an archway on a hot summer night smiling sweetly under the glow of the soft moonlight. . . Run.
