Catch 22

Jesus was a fool: An idiot who thought that he was the son of God, a Pussy who believed that Peace and Love were power, a moron who fought to simplify the complex, and some self-important narcissist who thought that he could change the world . . . and they killed him for it. And his all powerful father, (God of heaven and earth) let him Die. And still nothing has changed. So how smart is that?

I use to be Devout. I use to be righteous. I use to pray that God would make me more Like him; I use to hope that someday I would embody the example and be like Christ in the world; I use to turn the other cheek, pray for my enemies, and act like the mysterious wind upon the water: passive, strange, and beautiful . . . but I'm a fucking Genius and I'm thinking maybe Jesus didn’t have such a good idea.

I'm not sure Deity is quite the right path. One of my biggest problems is that I think I’m too good. And I am. I’m fucking AMAZING! I'm so Fucking Beautiful I even Have the Tattoo. And there is legal documentation that proves that I'm smarter than you. And as far as spirituality goes, I’ve got that in the bag. I'm saved; I'm a fundamental Practicing Christian who rarely ever lies; I have a darkly painted history that makes me empathize with sin; and such an acute awareness of my own frailties and attributes that when I balance them out . . . and hold them to an evolved perception of a Unitarian concept of a non-dualistic “ALL Loving” God who is part of, and greater than, a humanistic logic based ideal; I already know that my soul has been guaranteed.

Imagine what it feels like to know that you are never wrong; that your thoughts, your actions, and even your emotional tirades are Gold? And on top of that you’re pretty?

I'm a Fucking God! I'm the Second Coming of Christ. I am a Revelation! The Spirit made Fire and Flesh! I'm Jesus with a new Name. Fuck That! I am Corey!

But you don’t have to read The Bible to know what that means… (See there I go again assuming you’re my equal; you’re not, so let me explain) The second coming of Christ is also the Apocalypse: The destruction of everything that is. Or everything I care about, which is all that really matters anyway. For two truths cannot exist at once. Because when you are God, YOUR will be done . . . and there can only be one God. You see God and Life are synonymous. Duality creates conflict; and conflict creates destruction; and destruction creates chaos; and chaos bleeds entropy; and entropy eventually must come to an end. “Do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil.”

God can only be singular.

That’s where Jesus Got it Wrong. That’s where the message Got Lost. Jesus wasn’t God; He was a Sinner, an Idiot, and a Fool. He was flawed and limited and flesh. He was a Dumb-ass Martyr who tried to do his Best. And like a retarded six years old finally thrown into the real world, he had to learn the hard way that his best wasn’t good enough.

There is no power in being like Jesus. There is no gift in being touched by the divine. Nothing is accomplished by being Passive, and Caring and Kind; No change in being a Prophet. No hope in knowing God. No insight in seeing the pattern of proverbs and parables and metaphors. No reason to believe in two realities . . . because Love does not live beyond Death. Jesus was the son of God. He was Love manifest into Flesh. Jesus was the Human Messiah: The Prince of Peace, and the Light of the World. Jesus was a beautiful noble man who thought himself God; and to prove him wrong, they broke his Body, damned his Soul, and corrupted his incorruptible Word.

I’d rather be a Fool.

The Matrix

Originally Published: HIV Plus Magazine, July/August

I am a creature of introspection; an internal being that navigates the frantic waters of the external world by exploring the deep depths of my personal tides. I am always looking within. Always searching inside; asking the questions: “Who am I?” “How can I be better?” “How do I feel?” “What do I know to be true?” “Am I being honest?” “What do I believe?” “What does God think of me?” “Who would I be if all that defined me changed?” and “How can I still be beautiful?”

And now for something different. . . “No man is an island unto himself.” Or so I’ve been told. According to The Matrix, the world is not designed by our perceptions alone, but is a complex network of wires and switches where each component contributes to the creation of the whole. . . . And sometimes we are told what to feel. Now I obviously don’t (completely) believe in a movie’s description of existential existence, but for some reason lately so many of my conversations with friends, family, and loved ones have been about how the world perceives them, and how that perception is negatively affecting their lives. . .and to be honest it’s really hard for me to relate. Here I am Queer, Black, Poor, and “Dying of HIV” (not really, but that’s what most people think), and they think THEIR life is meaningless, horrible, and hopeless, because they are fat and loosing their hair. REALLY?!!! Is the fact that some people would find you more attractive if you were two inches taller really that important? Am I missing something? Have my internal spiritual wanderings left me disconnected from some quirk of reality that says that my personal joy lingers on the opinions of strangers? Am I caught in a technical malfunction of this “integrated virtual perception system” that has blinded me to the (not so) simple truth that: I am only as good as YOU think I am? Well Fuck You! “Operator I need an Exit!” I’ve got much bigger problems than the fact that “Glasses make my face look crooked!”

If my self perception is subject to public consensus, then I'm screwed! Besides the fact that I'm a Big Ole Sissy, a Nigger (Feel free to replace with Negroid if that word makes you uncomfortable), and a Welfare Baby; I'm Dying of AIDS for Pete’s sake! Even my mother doesn’t like Black People, so imagine how hard it would be to convince a stranger that I am NOT “dying” of HIV? And more importantly, I could give a shit! This is not the Matrix, (As far as I know) my life is not bound by the programming of a machine, and WE do not share control of MY identity. Thank GOD!

Common knowledge cannot be trusted, public opinion is dumb, and most people will never ever know who I am; I can barely grasp the complexity of my situation myself, and I know all the details. It’s ridiculous to think that others could correctly appraise my value, even if given a in-depth list of my beliefs and talents; my friendships and loves; my tragedies and tears; and my times of Beauty and Joy (let alone with superficial descriptions of my weight, hair fullness, and medical records). So though this moment of seeing me through other people’s eyes was fun, I think it’s far more valuable for me to search my soul and find out what I think of myself! And I suggest you do the same.