I'm scared that they won’t be as doting as he was. That they won’t say yes as quickly as he did; and that they won’t be as willing to see past the bulking muscles and dominant spirit, to gently call me “princess” when I'm not feeling so strong. I'm terrified that they won’t look at me the way that he did; like I was special, preciouse, and undeniably worth it. I pause to think that they won’t be so gladly willing to take on the financial burden of someone unable to pay their share; and that they won’t be as freely generous as he was. I worry that they won’t always let me play bottom and offer to make me moan with intimate pleasure on those nights when I don’t want to feel alone. I'm nervous that he’s possibly better than I’ll ever get; and that I passed on everything I’ve ever wanted, in order to find something that I think I need. So now I'm scared. I want to have what I had, but more. I want them to be like him, but different. The same, but not exactly. I want them to simply say they love me even when I'm being difficult, and to just listen when I'm desperate to make a point. I want to offer them something that only I can give, and earn immense joy finding out exactly what that is. And yes I still want them to go to church with me . . . such a simple request but surprisingly hard to find. I'm dating again. It’s not something I like to do, just a necessary evil that leads me to the end result. I'm searching again, hoping again, playing again, and looking for love again. Luckily there are many options out there, and many suitors willing to try; and though I know my fears are unfounded, and that every love is greater than the last; in the back of my mind I wonder if the price I’ll pay for giving him up, will be to loose the things that he gave.
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